page 82

i have discovered
two pieces of emerald

on the surface of the earth.
raw, unadulterated mineral

formed from the fire of abandonment
and the pressure of misguided intentions.

their facets have been cut in such a way
that any light shown on them

bends and refracts outwardly---
brilliantly---

purely in form.
i am transfixed. encapsulated

by the light of the way
in which You look at me;

i feel as though it is just i
who knows of the rarity i see.

---every time the emeralds
catch light,

they catch me.

You catch me.
You have caught me.

And You will continue to catch me.

---it is arresting.

:::

if love were not hard,

its richness would be dehydrated dirt;

its fragility would be stonewall;

its vulnerability would be isolation from others;

its prevalence would be an occasional miracle;

its transcendence would be linear;

and its holding place for a feeling
equivalent to that of reaching Nirvana

would be the dust-covered bookshelf
of a black hole.

:::

cyclical feeling.

cyclical thinking.

does it expire?

does this carousel ever stop?

i want to fall off

the moment my horse

dips lowest to the ground.

     Sweetheart, you may get off.

     But this love continues round.

:::

did i ever give myself that moment?
a decision to lay to rest

the harpoon's sharp eye?

---to replace it with the angel-wing-tip
of a feather pointing

in the direction of my heart?

:::

"are you evaluating me?"

"do you think i'm incompetent?"

"i observe you not to experience a moment,

i'm observing you to see if you will be

a threat to me."

"do you know how hard it is for me to

be in the moment? to feel emotionally safe?

to feel free of my self-consciousness?

to feel i'm not being judged?"

"will i be a failure?"

"i may be smiling at you and conversing

with you, but truth is, i thought about

and tried to anticipate every interaction

i would have with you before i even got here."

"i can be most anxious when i first enter

a room."

"just relax. be cool."

"how much do i actually mean to these people?"

---social anxiety speaks this way.